Tangled
by Kimmimaru
Summary: Pairings: LE/JP RL/SB SB/JP Covers adult themes: Domestic violence, Alcoholism. Slash. Summary inside. Please R&R, thanks.


**A/N: Not entirely sure what's wrong with me at the mo...I seem to be on a role as far as horrifically painful one shots are concerned. :/ Sorry...lol. This is my latest, it's short and maybe a bit confusing so I shall explain: Have you ever been in love so deeply it borders on hatred? Well, that's the feeling I'm trying to explore with all these terrible slightly abusive fictions...I want to convey passion, hatred, and an all consuming dangerous love...because it's a theme not explored in HP books. Now, this is written differently, that's because I'm focussing mainly on emotion through this, so there's more speech than there is description. Please, please review! This is an experiment, I need to know if it worked...Thanks. **

**Brief explanation: Sirius and James have been in love with each other since school, but James is also in Love with Lily and so Sirius seeks out Remus' affections. At first it works, but then as they grow up, James and Sirius realise they can't let each other go and end up sleeping together behind Lily and Remus' backs...this is the result.**

Tangled

In the beginning it was simple.

"I love you, so, so much!"

In the beginning it was sweet kisses, soft smiles, gentle caresses and tenderness...

"You're amazing."

In the beginning it was softness, sitting on the same sofa with fingers entwined and blushing when your eyes met.

"I love you."

In the beginning it was so easy...

XXX

A year later and It's harder.

"Where the hell have you been?"

A year later and there's less tenderness.

"Out."

A year later and you're crashing.

"I'm sorry...It won't happen again, I promise."

A year later and the smiles are straining.

"I love you..."

XXX

Three years later, when there's no school, and there's that big fucking dark cloud on the horizon that is Death, and the smiles are too rare...

"I've been waiting for an hour!"

"I'm sorry..."

"No, it's not good enough..."

"I got held up, I didn't mean to make you worry."

"We were supposed to meet Petunia, and now she's left already."

"Lily, I'm sorry..."

Three years later and you're falling.

"Remus...are you awake?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry..."

"No. I'm not doing this..."

"I'm sorry."

"You were with him...weren't you?"

Three years later and your eyes are tired, even as your fingers slide into that hair and pull him to your lips, even as you kiss and moan...

"You've been drinking!"

"Haven't..."

"You have! Christ, Potter, you can be such a twat! Just...just go! I'm not doing this again! Does this ring mean nothing? You stink of him! His scent is everywhere!"

"Lily..."

"No! Get out!"

Three years and it's impossible...

"Sirius! Stop!"

"Remus...I need you...I love you..."

"You don't! Don't fucking lie to me!"

"I'm not lying..."

"Then why do you smell of him? Why is his scent all over you?"

"I..."

"Exactly."

Three years and there's cracks in the seams. Three years and there's little left but the pain...

"Fuck!"

"Shh, Sirius...she's down stairs..."

"J-James..."

"Quiet...just kiss me."

XXX

Four years and there's anger.

"You hit me!"

"Because you fucking deserved it! How could you? How could you do this to me? Sirius...you were fucking in _our_ bed!"

"Fuck off! It's James..."

"You lied to me!"

Four years and there's pain and tears and darkness and no matter what you do you can't leave him...

"James...? I-Is that...?"

"Sirius' blood...not mine..."

"W-Why?"

"I'm...sorry Lily...I'm...so fucking sorry!"

Four years and all you can feel is despair and hatred. Four years and it's nothing but poison in your veins...

"Remus...so...so good..."

"Shut the fuck up! Don't look at me."

"I'm sorry..."

Four years and even sex is violence. Four years and you're killing each other...your fingers seek him out at night, your hands grasp at his throat, you watch him choke and struggle, you feel the tears falling down your own cheeks, you lift your fist and punch him in the face...

"OW! R-Remus..."

"Quiet! I-I...I can't...every single time! Every...Why? Why are you doing this to me? Please...i'm begging you, stop! J-Just leave him! Leave him for good and come back to me...I love you! I love you so much, Sirius and it's killing me..."

"I'm sorry...I can't."

Four years and there's nothing left but the violence and hatred. You can't do anything but hate him and the flames of your anger and pain are devouring you, and yet each time he leaves...

"No! You're going back to him...aren't you?"

"Remus, he needs me..."

"No...no he doesn't. He's got Lily!"

Four Years and the silences are too long...

"James...please. Don't go. It's too painful...I-I can't stand it."

"Lily..."

"Don't! Please...please...please...I'm begging you!"

"I can't. I'm sorry."

XXX

Five years and you can't breathe anymore. Five years and all you can see is darkness.

"J-James...I-I'm pregnant..."

Five years and you look into each other's eyes and can only see hatred.

"She's..."

"Yeah..."

"James..."

"Sirius, stop."

"No!"

"Stop it...stop it! We can't fucking do this anymore!"

"Please..."

"NO!"

Five years and you can't even look at yourself in the mirror, if you do all you see is a bruised, wasted face...a face that has seen too much, a face that knows nothing but pain...because you love him too fucking much and it's impossible to leave!

"Sirius?"

"R-Remus...H-he..."

"I know."

"I need you..."

"No...no you don't..."

"I need you..."

"You don't..."

Five years and his kisses taste like lies and they're bitter like poison but you it's fine because there's always the all consuming fires of hatred sweeping through your body, there's always that dark, heady passion as he bites your lip and draws blood...

"GET OUT!"

"Lily!"

"GET THE FUCK OUT, YOU CHEATING PRICK!"

"Lily...please...c-calm d-down I..."

"Lily...I'm..."

"I don't want to even _look_ at you! Either of you!"

"Come on Sirius..."

Five years and you still can't breathe without him. Five years, with your belly slowly growing with his child, you still want him so badly it's destroying you. Five years of tension, fury and screaming...

"Sirius..."

"I love you...I love you...I love you..."

"Fucking kill me."

"No."

"Do it! Because you've already crushed my heart! Finnish THE FUCKING JOB!"

"You can't leave me!"

"I will! I will leave and...and..."

"I love you...Remus."

"STOP!"

Five years, so many broken ribs, so many bruises...Five years worth of blood and pain...is it worth it? You don't even recognise yourself, you love them both, but you have to make choice...and you do...and it's the thing that destroys everything...

"James...we can't do this anymore."

"What?"

"Let me go..."

"Where?"

"Anywhere...away...I don't fucking care! I need to..."

"We need each other, Sirius."

"You have her..."

"And you have Remus..."

"He hits me..."

"But you love him..."

"I love him."

"Then leave."

"I..."

Five years and you're slowly dying. Every punch, every scream, every bruise, every silence...It's killing you, It's killing him...

"You broke the mirror...come here...let me see it?"

"No...I'm fine."

"You're bleeding..."

"You threw me into the damned thing."

"Because I..."

"I know."

"Love me, Sirius...love me...love and never, ever go back to him!"

"I can't, Remus..."

Five years and it's not enough. Five years and you fuck in the darkness, heaving bodies, sweat, blood, tears and screams...that fire, that intense, beautiful, all consuming fire is devouring everything and soon you'll be nothing, nothing and nothing...

"Fuck it! I don't care anymore!"

You're drunk again and its painful. He's sat across from you, those dark silver eyes boring deep into your cracked soul. There's a dark bruise beneath his eye and he's smoking, letting the ash fall to the floor. He doesn't smile anymore, but then...neither do you...

"You can fuck him. How's that? You can go and let him fuck you and I don't care!"

But you do care. You care so much it's the fuel for the flames that are ripping you apart, it's the reason you're crying...And all he does is sit there and smoke and watch you and you stand, and you throw the bottle across the room...you've had enough, because you just can't fucking understand why you don't walk straight out the door and leave him to his misery...

"Remus..."

And that's your cue. You lift your hand and punch him in the jaw, making him cry out and bite his tongue. You grab his hair roughly, it's like silk, but then you kiss him, tasting his blood and you don't realise that you're both crying and he's hot and cold all at the same time and you can't get enough...but you hate him. You hate him like you have never, ever hated anyone else in the world!

"You make me sick!"

"I know."

"You're disgusting...I-I hate you...I hate you so fucking much...I wish you'd die..."

"I know."

And there's that darkness in his eyes, and it makes you want to hurt him...so you do. You do with tears in your eyes, you drag nails down his chest and ignore his cries. You bite his throat, you cover his mouth with one hand while you damage that perfect skin...

XXX

Five years and you can see that pain in her green eyes. It's been there for too long. You stand and you go to her, you kneel at her feet and you want to tell her how much you regret, how sorry you are and how much you love her...but you can't. You can only run your hand over her swollen belly and feel your child kick your hand...

"I love you."

"James..."

"I love you."

"Please...Don't lie to me."

"I'm not..."

And you kiss and all that matters is her lips, the feel of your son pressing against you, the beautiful woman in your arms...

XXX

You knew it would happen at some point, but you refused to think about it. So, when he stands before you, those hazel eyes filled with sadness, you want to hit him. You want to force him to take you back...you have to...because he's killing you.

"She's pregnant, Sirius...We can't do this."

"I..." And the words stick in your throat, and you can't spit it out even though they taste like bile. You can't breath. You're suffocating and when he turns and walks away you want to scream. Your world is falling apart and you're dying...

"You can be his Godfather."

You agree...you agree because it means you can maybe see him, even though you know that seeing him is going to burn you alive. Even though you know his face, his voice, his hands, his body will never, ever be yours again...

"James..."

"No."

And he walks away, leaving you kneeling in the dirt and rain and you scream. You scream because it's painful...

XXX

Six years and all you see is a broken, shattered shell of the man he was. He's sitting in a corner, gazing at the wall, surrounded by bottles of whiskey and he's gazing with dead eyes, he doesn't feel anymore...

"Sirius?"

Yet again, no response, because he's not really there, he's never with you, even when he's fucking you.

"Remus?"

That cracked voice, and he's looking at you and you can see the blood on his cheek from that glass you threw at him. And you realise that you still love, you realise you will always love him. So you kneel, you pull him to you and you let him take you. You lie there as he fucks you, you moan, you whisper his name into the darkness and its agony. It's agony because you know his whispers are lies...you know he's thinking of someone else...

Six years and you hold his son close to your breast, he's curled up on the sofa and the dawn light highlights his face and all you see is a boy...a boy who is scared. A boy is hunted and trapped and surrounded by walls, a boy who you loved so deeply once upon a time...

"James..."

He wakes and looks up at you, ebony hair a mess as he sits up, adjusting his glasses and he sees Harry...and _that's_ the man you fell in love with a lifetime ago...That's the man you wanted and needed and loved so fiercely you would have died for him. The man who holds his son in his arms, the man who is smiling and happy and it's like a wonderful dream until...

"I'm sorry...I had to..."

"I don't want you in this house! Leave!"

"I'm his godfather!"

"Only because James made you!"

"Let me see him!"

"No!"

"Lily...what's wrong...?"

And when their eyes meet over your head, you know they will never, ever be able to be apart. You know and it's like a dagger in your heart. So you walk away. You go upstairs and try to ignore his desperate sobs, you try to ignore James' comforting words...you didn't see the blood stains on his robes, you refused to see the scratches on his face...because Sirius is a Soldier, and they're always getting hurt...and you don't want to feel this pity that's swelling in your breast, because you hate him! Because he always ruins everything!

XXX

Six years and you're looking at a stranger who wears the face of your friend, your lover. Those eyes are too full of hate. Those eyes are too dark. That hair is too long, too unkempt, too dirty...that skin is too white, too covered in your hand prints...too bruised.

"Sirius..."

"Go."

"I'm sorry..."

"Get out!"

"I-I..."

"How can I trust you? He told me I shouldn't! He told me you..."

"Who?"

"Doesn't fucking matter...just get the fuck out."

And you leave. You leave because his fury isn't the same...you leave because you can see nothing but hate. There is no more trace of that love that had bound them together. And no matter how hard you try, you can't stop those tears...

XXX

Six years and you see him lying on the stairs. Six long years and you can no longer feel anything but rage...pure fury...you hate. You hate. You hate. And you know...you know you were wrong. You know it's all your fault!

You see them and you scream. You see him staring up at the ceiling and know he will never love you...

"Remus...You must forgive yourself, none of this is your fault..."

He doesn't understand at all. Dumbledore doesn't get it. He doesn't know...he never saw you trying to choke your boyfriend because he had come home smelling of James...he had never seen Sirius punching you in the stomach, in the face, all because he was angry for no fucking reason...he had never seen you rake your fingers across his cheek, he had never seen you trying to kill each other when you fucked...

And you know, you drove him to it. You know it's all your fault...you never wanted James to die...

XXX

Eighteen Years later and you know. Eighteen years later and you can't do anything but fall into his arms. Eighteen long, long years that have torn you both apart and rebuilt you in strange ways, eighteen years with nothing but fury and anger and hate...

Eighteen years and you know you still love him...

XXX

Twenty years later and you're screaming at each other...

"Sirius...stay here!"

"No! I can't fucking take it anymore Remus! Let me out!"

"No! Stay."

"I'm not a fucking dog!"

"You are. Nothing but a dog...do as I say, Sirius!"

"I hate you."

And the way he says it, like venom...it hurts. It's agony, but it's familiar and comforting so you can only push him into the wall and rip off his clothes, you can only swallow his moans...even when he speaks the wrong name...It doesn't matter because the pain good. The agony is familiar. His tongue feels perfect against your own, his chest heaves, his fingers grip your hair painfully tightly and he's hurting you, his teeth are too sharp, drawing blood and you love it because it's normal...because it's all you've ever known...

XXX

When you see him fall you're filled with nothing but emptiness...

When he falls you can't feel anything...

When he falls you know he's left for good...

You know he's never, ever going to hate you again...

You know you'll never feel his throat in your grasping fingers...

You know you'll never feel him breathing...

You know...

You know...

And everything shatters.


End file.
